Would you rather?

Would you rather read about a man who had two wives or a woman who was a thief?
I know, I know, neither sounds interesting. That’s because I left out the details.

I can’t decide. So I’ll write about both – starting with the bigamist.

A 61-year-old Kansas resident was recently caught with two wives. This, of course, is not an entirely unheard of scandal. However, both wives lived in the same apartment complex.
Now, I’m not sure about you, but that is something new to me.
And the scam went on for three years!

Even more surprising, in my opinion, is that the man had married one woman 22 years prior to the incident. Now, you may say he was tired of his first wife but reluctant to divorce her – too afraid, too complicated, etc. – but another interesting thing is that the second woman is around the same age as the first. So he obviously doesn’t have a problem with his wife’s age – the first one – and that suggests there wasn’t a problem with sex drives, since one could assume that two 50-year-old women would have similar…urges.

Another thing: the man stole from the second wife. Yeah! He stole jewelry and money. So what’s up with that? Was he stealing from the second wife in order to support the first?

And how did he meet this “other woman,” anyway? Were they checking their mailboxes at the same time one sunny spring day? Or did he glimpse her strolling through the parking lot while he was relaxing on his porch? And how did this woman not realize that he was married? I guess the man, his wife, and his other wife didn’t have many friends in the apartment complex; otherwise, you would think rumors would spread.

Oh, wait. They did.

The second wife went to the first wife’s apartment to confront the man! Can you imagine being the first wife? Or the guy? I mean, what exactly do you do in that situation?
Well, I know what the women do: they call the police. As well they should.

Sources aren’t even certain if the second wife knew her husband had another wife when she went to confront him. Maybe she thought he had a mistress.

Oh, that’s great. Juggling two wives for three years, and they live in the same apartment complex. That guy could get away with an insanity plea.


In other news, what should you do when you get caught stealing from church?

Well, blame Satan, of course. I mean, the churchgoers are way more likely to buy that than your average citizen, right?
Actually, no. Because churchgoers like money just as much as anyone else.

Although, the fact that the stolen money amounted to $73,000 might have something to do with the lack of forgiveness. I could be wrong.

Anyway, she was an administrative assistant at the church who forged her pastor’s signature. And although you would normally find such going-ons in a Baptist church, this was actually in a Methodist church.
I know. I was shocked, too.

And no, the woman did not foolishly claim to be possessed. All she said was that Satan had a big part in her sins. That makes sense – I mean, what is she going to say? “God made me do it! He’s eeeeevil!” No. That wouldn’t work nearly as well.
The 62-year-old woman told detectives that she used to money to cover household expenses. Apparently she couldn’t bear the thought of losing her home. That brings to mind the question: if she had actually gone to the pastor for help, would he have helped her?


What have we learned?
Well, apparently old people are all about making mischief. Seriously, just look at my last few entries. They’re all about old people! I don’t do this kind of thing on purpose, you know.

Also, two wives don’t make a…a…no, that won’t work at all, will it? Oh, well.

Published in: on March 22, 2009 at 2:32 am  Comments (2)  
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I couldn’t think of a proper title for this post, so I went with how I feel: speechless. Speechless at the stupidity of people today.

First, let me just say that I have found yet another instance of misusing 911. A women in Florida (why does this keep happening in Florida?) called 911 not once, not twice, but three times because of…well…McDonald’s. Apparently she ordered a ten-pack of everyone’s favorite processed chicken nuggets, and then she was told that they were out, and no, she couldn’t have a refund (all sales final!), but she could have another meal – even a more expensive one – instead. I guess Latreasa L. Goodman really wanted those chicken nuggets, because she absolutely refused to take this deal. Although if I had been her, I would’ve ordered a really big hamburger, with fries, and a large drink, and a McFlurry. Yeah…that’s why I don’t eat at McDonald’s anymore.

The best part is, a McDonald’s spokesperson noted that Goodman should have been issued a refund, and she’s been sent a gift card for a free meal. Along with a citation for misusing 911. You can’t win ’em all, I guess.


Anyway, onto the real story of the day. There is a website in France where children can enlist the help of older students…to do their homework for them.
For a small fee, of course.
Needless to say, parents and teachers are outraged, and I imagine the students are quite thrilled. Here’s a quote:

On faismesdevoirs.com (domyhomework.com), children will be able to buy answers to simple maths problems for 5 euros (4.40 pounds), while a full end-of-year presentation complete with slides and speaking notes will cost 80 euros.

That’s about $6.30 for math problems, and $100.89 for the other thing, whatever it’s supposed to be.

Teachers are complaining that this website is ignoring the point of education, which is to learn how to add 2+2, not how to lose all your money at the age of six. Which brings to mind the question, “Where the hell are these kids getting this money?” I have no idea.
The founder of the website, Stephane Boukris, is claiming that students will still learn, because the answers come with annotations on how to do the problem. And of course the students will read those annotations, right?
On the other hand, the founder also said, “I realised there was a gap in the market. Add to that a dose of insolence, a zest of arrogance and the internet [sic], and you have faismesdevoirs.com,” which to me seems a bit like he doesn’t care if students actually learn how to do their homework, as long as he can make money.

Hey, in this economy, can you blame him?

It gets better. He also said, “Of course some schoolchildren might use the system to cheat, but they’ll have to learn sooner or later because we won’t be there on exam day.” This statement is not only true, it’s also hilariously evil.

Anyway, his blatant evilness is not what’s grinding my nerves about this. It’s that students are actually paying people to do their homework! Do you know why that’s stupid? I’ll tell you why.
Go to Google. Right now. Type in “What’s the square root of 157,895?”  Here’s what Google has to say:
square root(157 895) = 397.360038

So why are you paying someone to do what you can get for free?!
Now, granted, this is in France, but I can only assume that Google works the same in France as it does in America. If not, please let me know, and my outrage at this matter may disappear.
Until that point, what have we learned? That schoolchildren have the means to get hundreds of dollars to pay for their homework, but they don’t have the means to manipulate the Internet properly. And for that, they deserve to fail their math tests.

Published in: on March 4, 2009 at 1:20 pm  Leave a Comment  

Worst Job: 911 Operator

Sometimes I read stories that depress me. I can handle reading about murder, torture, suicides, and whatnot. It’s sad, but it’s life, and I’m used to it. But what I cannot handle is the blatant stupidity of people. It doesn’t take much to find stories of people doing atrociously dumb things, apparently without even realizing how idiotic they’re being.


Take, for instance, the people who call 911 (you know, the emergency line) for non-emergency calls.

One man called 911 because the Burger King he was at didn’t have any lemonade. Very sad. He’s 66 and located in – where else? – Florida.
Not many sordid details to that, just open & shut idiocy.

Police report from the epic Burger King/lemonade incident

But it’s not just the Average Joe who makes stupid 911 calls. No, some big-time Joe’s do the same thing. Take Joe McCain, for instance. Joe McCain is ALSO 66 years old, which I think is more than an amazing coincidence. He’s also, in my opinion, a bit of a jerk. There’s always one…
Anyway, Joe McCain called 911 over a traffic issue. Was there an accident that he was kindly reporting? Or a car going the wrong way in a one-way lane? Maybe a dangerous driver was weaving all over the road?
No, of course not. If that were the case, he wouldn’t be on this blog post, obviously.
Joe called 911 because he was unhappy that “one side at the damn drawbridge of 95 traffic is stopped for 15 minutes and yet traffic’s coming the other way across the drawbridge.”
The 911 operator responded credulity, “Sir, are you calling 911 to complain about traffic?”
Joe McCain realized his error and promptly apologized.
Or, he said some sort of expletive and hung up on the guy. One of those.

The operator called him back and was probably very much surprised when the call went to the voice mail of Joe McCain. But he still manages to act in a professional manner, leaving a message for Joe, explaining that 911 is not his own personal soapbox to complain about traffic. Joe calls him back and, apparently not realizing that he’s speaking with the same operator, actually tries to complain. So, naturally, the guys chews him out AGAIN.
Eventually Joe apologized, of course, seeing as how his brother was actively trying to get elected, and stupid family members don’t tend to help with that. The annoying thing is that, unlike Jean, I don’t believe Joe was ever charged with anything.
Here’s the video on blessed YouTube.

There are many, many more stupid 911 calls, but I don’t have the time, energy, or space to blog about them. And you don’t have the commitment to read about all of them. So instead, watch this amusing video.

Published in: on February 18, 2009 at 2:41 pm  Comments (2)  
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Kids These Days

It was bad enough reading about a child who shot his babysitter. It was worse hearing about Michael Phelps’ bong incident.

But this really takes the cake.

Have any of you seen the movie Alfie? I know there’s an old one and a new one, but in the new one, Jude Law plays Alfie, a true women’s man. Probably because of the accent. Jude Law is hot, but he ain’t that hot.
Meet Alfie Patten, a 13-year-old father. I’m sure you’ve heard about him. It’s huge news. This young boy, who looks about 8, had sex with a 15-year-old (he was 12 at the time, she may have been 14, I’m not certain), and nine months later, guess what? He’s taking on the responsibilities of being a father!
Except, of course, he’s not. Because he’s too young. So he’ll have family members, church members, and social services to carry most of the burden. So will the mother, of course.
It’s bad enough that a 15-year-old girl just had a child, but with a 13-year-old boy? Seriously?
Here’s the best – worst – part: several other teenage boys have claimed to have had relations with the girl, and two in particular are stating that the baby might be theirs. I don’t know what to think. Apparently the mother of the girl allowed her daughter to share her bed with male guests, so who knows?

It’s disgusting. It’s terrible. It’s worrying. The truly aggravating thing is that some people have said that no fingers should be pointed, and we should all just be glad they had the child, rather than aborting it. I mean, okay, I’m glad they didn’t kill the baby. But that doesn’t mean we should pretend like there’s nothing wrong with the situation, because guess what? There is something wrong with it! Hugely wrong!

Have you heard about rainbow parties? Not exactly a new thing, but kept well under wraps. It makes me sick to write about them. Rainbow parties are where all the girls put on different shades of lipstick, and the guys try to get as much oral sex as possible, and whichever guy as the most colorful penis at the end of the night “wins.” Some say (like the article I linked) that such parties aren’t common. Hopefully that’s true, but they’re common enough to have been mentioned in popular literature.

Or how about the great game Stoneface? Would you like to guess what that is? No, trust me, you wouldn’t. Stoneface is when a bunch of guys sit at a table, and one of them is receiving oral sex, and if he shows any emotion, he loses.
No. I’m not making that up. Yes. I wish I was.

I think this is a problem. I don’t know what went wrong, or when, but this over-sexed culture needs to be fixed. I’m all for sex, but let me just say that I waited until I was 18 years old and had been in a steady relationship for several months before I had sex. That doesn’t make me better than anyone, but it does make me realize that when I did finally have sex, I was able to maturely consider any consequences, and I didn’t fear that it would be nothing but a pointless hook-up.

I can’t preach to parents, because I’m only 20 and I’m not a parent. But I can say that I’ve seen parents who are too strict, so that their kids try to rebel at every possible turn, and I have seen parents who are too lax, so their kids turn out completely wild from the start. I’ve also seen parents – like my own – who have a good mixture of being strict and fun, and if every parent could master that balance like mine did, I think we’d all be better off (awww).

Published in: on February 16, 2009 at 2:35 pm  Leave a Comment  
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I Fought the Law, and the Law Won, but the Law was Wasting its Time

I am a delinquent.

Yes, it’s true, I have broken the law. Several times. I have participated in underage drinking…um….vandalized a school bus seat when I was in the sixth grade…let’s see…I smoked cigarettes on and off for three months when I was sixteen…oh! And I have some overdue library books.
Out of all of those, right now I’m thinking that the one that I might have to worry about the most is the theft of library books. Because I have never been “punished” for drinking or smoking, and I was only suspended from the bus for three days for the vandalism incident (whatever, it’s not like those buses are in great condition anyway, what was the harm in a little permanent marker?).
But not returning library books? That can get you arrested.

At least, it can get you arrested in Iowa, possibly because there is nothing else to do in Iowa.

A woman in Iowa (obviously) was arrested for “stealing” a library book (obviously). The book is valued at $13.95, but she had to pay $250 to get out of jail. It’s not as though the arrest was entirely random; she checked the book out in April, was contacted repeatedly by mail and phone, and a police officer visited her home last September. All to no avail. This terrible criminal insisted on continuing with her evil ways, and clearly she got what she deserved.
Don’t worry, though, because this was only a fifth degree theft charge. See?

The theft of property not exceeding two hundred dollars in value is theft in the fifth degree. Theft in the fifth degree is a simple misdemeanor.

Yeah. That’s straight from Iowa law.

Let’s be serious for a moment. What aggravates me about this entirely idiotic course of action is how serious the theft of a library book was taken.
In my opinion, America does not deal with most of its criminals nearly harshly enough. I’ve heard of countries that take away your license after your first D.U.I., which seems entirely reasonable to me. And I’m pretty sure most other prisons don’t allow their inmates access to cable TV, pornography, and the Internet.
God forbid, however, that a woman who fails to return a library book go unpunished.

Is it just me, or is this a serious waste of taxpayers’ dollars?

Okay, I don’t have a problem with them sending the woman to jail. She wasted the time and resources of the library workers as well as the police. She could have simply paid the late fees/paid for a new book. Not that hard. She may have deprived other library patrons of the book. Clearly, this was theft. So I don’t mind that part. Except I still have library books that were due…oh….at least seven years ago.
My problem is that while police should be cracking down on people with slightly more pressing criminal issues, the only area I’ve seen a crackdown in is in library matters.

What have we learned?
Absolutely nothing, apparently.


In Georgia, the statute of limitations for simple misdemeanors is two years. So I’m a thief, but there’s nothing you can do about it.

Published in: on January 26, 2009 at 4:28 pm  Comments (2)  
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History in the Making

I have never before seen an inauguration, nor have I ever had any wish to. Politics, until this past year, simply failed to capture my interest. I knew I didn’t like Al Gore, but I didn’t know why; I knew that I did like Bill Clinton, but I didn’t know why.

I didn’t vote for Obama – excuse me, President Obama -, and looking back, I still would not have: I do not entirely trust the man. Part of it was reading about Obama snubbing Hilary – an issue that is still in debate (intentional or not?). It made me afraid that he had a bit of a temper. And Googling this issue did little to ease my mind (although, really, can I trust Google?).
Then there are the people with whom he has kept company. That isn’t a huge problem to me. Some people can befriend troublesome or controversial figures without actually being trouble themselves. Some people can’t. I don’t know what type of man President Obama is.
And finally – and this may be a little unfair – I don’t trust Chicago. Chicago has always had a hand in dirty politics, and it seems incredible to think that this man who was completely immersed in the dirty world of Chicago politics would be able to make a clean exit. Of course, this remains to be seen, and we must accept that all politicians are almost certainly somewhat crooked.

In spite of my trepidations, I was pleased for President Obama today. I clapped for him, I cheered for him, and I listened to him until I had to leave for class (I was tempted to skip class, but it’s the second week, so no). I thought it was adorable that he stumbled over his oath, because I think that shows he is not just a leader of this great country, but that he is also human.
I imagine his wife is just as proud as he is. Perhaps prouder.

I know some people who refused to watch the inauguration, which I can hardly imagine. In spite of one’s feelings towards President Obama, today was truly history in the making, a day for America and Americans to be proud of, to remember, to celebrate.

Published in: on January 20, 2009 at 2:46 pm  Leave a Comment  
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I Shot the Babysitter, but I did not Shoot the Bank Teller

I have a couple thoughts on my mind, which either means this is going to be a long post or I’m going to have two posts.
Or, let’s face it, I’ll just not write about both things. Obviously I’m lazy; if I wasn’t, then I would have updated this lovely blog while on Christmas break. Although I’m technically still on break for two more days, so I don’t feel too lazy.

Anyway, a few days ago I read about a 4-year-old who shot his babysitter with a shotgun after the babysitter (accidentally) stepped on the child’s foot.
Guess what? The child hasn’t been charged.
This story made me somewhat uneasy, not in the least because it reminded me of a recent Bones episode. Really, though, what troubled me was the fact that a child – no, a baby – could find a shotgun and operate it. Amazingly, the kid – who apparently shall remain unnamed – even told people that he was mad at Nathan (the babysitter) and was going to get a gun. People thought he meant a toy gun. Because how many 4-year-old kids do you know who would get a shotgun and shoot their 18-year-old babysitter?
My sister once locked a babysitter out of the house. That babysitter should feel blessed.
There are so many things wrong with the story. The kid’s anger problems – where did he learn to handle his problems with such violence? The presence of a shotgun in a home with a child present – I’m not sure, though, if the home was that of the child’s, but it probably was, since he knew where to locate the gun. The fact that guns are so easy, young children can operate them – would it really be a problem to make guns a bit harder to use? Sure, keep police guns and military guns easy to draw and shoot, but that’s about it.

Anyway, I was almost willing to let the story pass, as I really did think it was more of a fluke than anything. But today I read a story about a 6-year-old in Virginia who missed the bus. No, he didn’t shoot anyone, but he did take the family car and attempt to drive himself. Unsurprisingly, the boy crashed, but not before “made at least two 90-degree turns, passed several cars and ran off [a] rural two-lane road.” Miraculously, he survived with minor injuries, and was even able to attend school after receiving a check-up at a local hospital. Normally I would say that the kid was gypped, but let’s face it: he really wanted to be at school. After he crashed, he actually left the car and started walking. To school. That must be a really good school.
His parents were asleep, by the way, but they were charged with child endangerment. I have no idea why. Was it because he stole the keys and took their car? Or was it because the car was in the driveway? I think it’s a bit ridiculous.
Here’s something even more ridiculous: the child told police that he learned to drive from playing Grand Theft Auto and Monster Truck Jam. I don’t know anything about the latter, but I do know that no responsible parent would knowingly allow their child to play GTA.

What have we learned so far? Parents suck.

Oh, but it’s not over yet!

Have you ever wanted to rob a bank? I have. I wouldn’t, because I really don’t want to mess up my life, but sometimes I am pretty desperate for money. And sometimes I let my imagination run wild.

This genius, however, decided to allow his imagination freedom, and he actually did rob a bank.
Not a big deal. He was a 24-year-old, obviously low on cash, and he’s actually kind of a cutie.
Here’s the catch: he stood in line. Wearing a ski mask.
Here’s a bigger catch: he actually robbed the bank. Sure, he was arrested a few minutes later, following a brief car chase, but somehow, the bank security didn’t stop to think, “Maybe that character in the ski mask is trouble. Maybe we should ask him to remove his mask…” No, no, they actually stood by as the guy progressed in line to the bank teller, who had the brains to ask him to remove the mask. It was at this point that he pulled out a toy gun. I guess she couldn’t tell it was a toy (sometimes they really are realistic, and I’m assuming he didn’t use a water pistol), because she gave him some money.
Anyway, the happy ending is that he was caught, but still: he STOOD IN LINE. Wearing a SKI MASK. And NOBODY thought to stop him.

So, what else have we learned? If you’re at a bank next to a guy in a SKI MASK – leave. And maybe call the cops on your way out. And don’t go back to the bank, since the security is obviously terrible.

Published in: on January 10, 2009 at 12:10 am  Comments (3)  
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I can has deathburger?

I was determined to stay away from my blog until after I go back to school in mid-January. Because, you know, when you sit around the house all day for an entire month, the last thing you want to do is try to entertain yourself. I have literally been sleeping until 1 PM (not intentional, and not wanted). Tonight I went to bed at about 8:45, only to wake up at 11:45. Funny how that works. Since I have nothing better to do until I decide to pop Happy Gilmore into my brand-new Acer widescreen laptop (my old one broke, sadly), I’m going to write a post.

No, not about Christmas. I was filled with Christmas cheer this season, and I’m still listening to Christmas music, but you’ve read enough about how blessed we are. You must be over it.

Here’s an interesting lil’ news story I found nearly a month ago: a guy attacked his girlfriend. With a hamburger.

The guy and his girlfriend got into a fight, and she wanted to get out of the car, and he wouldn’t let her. For some reason, the window as open (clearly, she didn’t want to leave the car that badly), and so she threw his drink out of the window.
Now, I totally understand what happens next. If someone threw my Coca-Cola out of the car, I would be quite upset. Would I buy another, or at least make the perp buy me another? Oh, heck no. I would obviously take my delicious McDonald’s sandwich and smash it into the face of the soda-throwing hellraiser.

That’s what you would do, right?

Now, look, the guy really shouldn’t have done it. It was a bit of an overreaction. But should he really have been charged with assault? The guy was released on $1,000 bail for smearing a hamburger on his girlfriend’s face! Seriously, what I want to know is a) why he wouldn’t let her out of the car and b) why she couldn’t get out of the car. Because if you’re really determined, you will get out of that car. Particularly if the vehicle’s windows are open.

So, what have we learned? Torture’s fine, murderers can get released in a matter of years, but those damn boyfriends with their hamburgers?! They’re clearly a menace to our society. And they must be stopped.

Published in: on December 27, 2008 at 1:08 am  Leave a Comment  

Real News!

Reading newspapers is pretty interesting, if you ignore the headlines and scan the smaller stories. Lately I collect news clippings to put on my wall. It’s free, takes up space, and keeps me thinking.

In the past week I’ve read about astronauts who are trying to design a piece of equipment that converts urine & sweat into water (to double a space station crew…from three to six) and I also read a tragic story about a young college student who committed suicide in front of a live webcam. Some onlookers egged him on, others tried to get him to stop, and one person, when they realized he had literally taken an overdose of pills, responded, “OMG.”
There are so many terrible things about that story, I’m not even sure where to begin.

So I’m passing over those in favor of a more local tale: that of 29-year-old Wendy Whitaker, a registered sex offender. Wendy, a Georgia resident, recently filed a lawsuit in Columbia County’s Superior Court to try and stop an eviction scheduled for the upcoming week. The reason she’s having to move is because her home is within 1,000 feet of a day care center (the day care center is being run at a church, so she didn’t realize it existed when she first moved into her home).
You read that and you probably think, “Well, do we want a sex offender near a day care center? No!”
But here’s the catch: When Wendy was seventeen, she had consensual oral sex with a 15-year-old.

She was 17
He was 15
Actually, he was about a week away from being 16
It was consensual (boyfriend and girlfriend)
It was oral sex

The eviction will continue, but maybe her status as a sex offender will be dropped. I, for one, think that she shouldn’t be registered as one. She wasn’t sexually molesting really young kids. For all anyone knows, she may have thought that what she was doing wasn’t technically illegal until she was 18.

If anyone out there is reading this, I’d like to hear your opinion on the matter. Should she be a registered sex offender for a consensual sex act that happened twelve years ago?

(So what have we learned? I won’t ever be an astronaut, ’cause there is no way I’m drinking my own urine and sweat.)

Published in: on November 25, 2008 at 2:34 pm  Leave a Comment  
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This post is going to be ironic

It’s ironic because I can’t think of a catchy title for what I want to write about, and what I’m writing about is how to have a catchy slogan.

Well, what I’m really writing about are slogans that aren’t catchy. I don’t know how they could be better, but I do know why they’re terrible.

Like this one, from Smuckers:
With a name like Smuckers, it has to be good.
But here’s the thing: no, it doesn’t. This slogan is awful because it expects you to take what they say and believe it, with no questions asked. There’s no apparent reason why it’s good, it just “has” to be.

Does she or doesn’t she? from Clairol hair color
I had no idea that coloring your hair was akin to having sex with random strangers. At least, that’s the question it sounds like they’re answering to me.

You Too Can Have A Body Like Mine. Charles Atlas ad
Why does Mr. Atlas assume I want a body like his? And I would never date a guy that had a body like his.

Probably the best lager in the world. Carlsberg
Probably?! What kind of hook is that?

Put a Tiger in Your Tank. ESSO Gaseline
Actually, that one’s great, because my mind automatically translates it to something sexual. Unlike Clairol, however, I don’t think the ad was supposed to do that.

There’s a smile in every Hershey Bar.

The milk chocolate that melts in your mouth – not in your hand. M&Ms

I’m lovin’ it! McDonald’s
Annoying, because they’re trying too hard to be hip. “We love to see you smile” was awesome. I love to see me smile as well. But who is this mysterious person who is “lovin'” it? I understood the “we.” I don’t understand the “I.” Suddenly the ad speaks for the audience?

I’d rather die of thirst than drink from the cup of mediocrity. Stella Artois
Wow. Just wow.

Can you hear me now? Good!Verizon Wireless
I know I said I was going to explain why these don’t work (which isn’t even true, really, I explained just about nothing), but this is such a great slogan, I had to post it. Verizon Wireless wins.

I use AT&T/Cingular

Published in: on November 14, 2008 at 3:26 pm  Comments (3)