Real News!

Reading newspapers is pretty interesting, if you ignore the headlines and scan the smaller stories. Lately I collect news clippings to put on my wall. It’s free, takes up space, and keeps me thinking.

In the past week I’ve read about astronauts who are trying to design a piece of equipment that converts urine & sweat into water (to double a space station crew…from three to six) and I also read a tragic story about a young college student who committed suicide in front of a live webcam. Some onlookers egged him on, others tried to get him to stop, and one person, when they realized he had literally taken an overdose of pills, responded, “OMG.”
There are so many terrible things about that story, I’m not even sure where to begin.

So I’m passing over those in favor of a more local tale: that of 29-year-old Wendy Whitaker, a registered sex offender. Wendy, a Georgia resident, recently filed a lawsuit in Columbia County’s Superior Court to try and stop an eviction scheduled for the upcoming week. The reason she’s having to move is because her home is within 1,000 feet of a day care center (the day care center is being run at a church, so she didn’t realize it existed when she first moved into her home).
You read that and you probably think, “Well, do we want a sex offender near a day care center? No!”
But here’s the catch: When Wendy was seventeen, she had consensual oral sex with a 15-year-old.

She was 17
He was 15
Actually, he was about a week away from being 16
It was consensual (boyfriend and girlfriend)
It was oral sex

The eviction will continue, but maybe her status as a sex offender will be dropped. I, for one, think that she shouldn’t be registered as one. She wasn’t sexually molesting really young kids. For all anyone knows, she may have thought that what she was doing wasn’t technically illegal until she was 18.

If anyone out there is reading this, I’d like to hear your opinion on the matter. Should she be a registered sex offender for a consensual sex act that happened twelve years ago?

(So what have we learned? I won’t ever be an astronaut, ’cause there is no way I’m drinking my own urine and sweat.)

Published in: on November 25, 2008 at 2:34 pm  Leave a Comment  
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This post is going to be ironic

It’s ironic because I can’t think of a catchy title for what I want to write about, and what I’m writing about is how to have a catchy slogan.

Well, what I’m really writing about are slogans that aren’t catchy. I don’t know how they could be better, but I do know why they’re terrible.

Like this one, from Smuckers:
With a name like Smuckers, it has to be good.
But here’s the thing: no, it doesn’t. This slogan is awful because it expects you to take what they say and believe it, with no questions asked. There’s no apparent reason why it’s good, it just “has” to be.

Does she or doesn’t she? from Clairol hair color
I had no idea that coloring your hair was akin to having sex with random strangers. At least, that’s the question it sounds like they’re answering to me.

You Too Can Have A Body Like Mine. Charles Atlas ad
Why does Mr. Atlas assume I want a body like his? And I would never date a guy that had a body like his.

Probably the best lager in the world. Carlsberg
Probably?! What kind of hook is that?

Put a Tiger in Your Tank. ESSO Gaseline
Actually, that one’s great, because my mind automatically translates it to something sexual. Unlike Clairol, however, I don’t think the ad was supposed to do that.

There’s a smile in every Hershey Bar.

The milk chocolate that melts in your mouth – not in your hand. M&Ms

I’m lovin’ it! McDonald’s
Annoying, because they’re trying too hard to be hip. “We love to see you smile” was awesome. I love to see me smile as well. But who is this mysterious person who is “lovin'” it? I understood the “we.” I don’t understand the “I.” Suddenly the ad speaks for the audience?

I’d rather die of thirst than drink from the cup of mediocrity. Stella Artois
Wow. Just wow.

Can you hear me now? Good!Verizon Wireless
I know I said I was going to explain why these don’t work (which isn’t even true, really, I explained just about nothing), but this is such a great slogan, I had to post it. Verizon Wireless wins.

I use AT&T/Cingular

Published in: on November 14, 2008 at 3:26 pm  Comments (3)  

Lamest pun ever: Two Wrights don’t make a Wrong

I mean, last time I checked, there weren’t two Reverend Wrights, so what does that even mean?

I didn’t write about Rev. Wright in the election because it wouldn’t have been right.
Okay, I honestly just wrote that sentence so I could use “write/Wright/right.” I’m sorry.

Anyway, I didn’t write about him because I was sidetracked. I’m going to now. Without talking about Obama. I’m trying to hold my tongue against Obama until he’s been in office for at least three months. I can’t remember when he officially becomes President, but I think inauguration is in January. So, until graduation at my college, I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

My spell check on WordPress keeps highlighting Obama. When do you think that’ll change?

Reverend Wright quotes, complete with extra fun comments!

We bombed Hiroshima, we bombed Nagasaki, and we nuked far more than the thousands in New York and the Pentagon, and we never batted an eye.” Wow, he was doing really good up until the point when he became a conspiracy theorist. I know our government screws up, but I have no patience for people who talk about how 9/11 was a conspiracy. The reason why is because a certain pirate told me not to.

“We have supported state terrorism against the Palestinians and black South Africans, and now we are indignant because the stuff we have done overseas is now brought right back to our own front yards. America’s chickens are coming home to roost.” To be honest, I have no idea what he’s talking about after the comma. Seriously. No, just kidding, he’s talking about 9/11 (the quote was made in 2001). See, America went and, yes, did some bad stuff to people. And so when some other people did bad stuff to us, it was our fault. Nevermind that bad stuff has been going on since the BEGINNING OF TIME, it’s all America’s fault.

“The government gives them the drugs, builds bigger prisons, passes a three-strike law and then wants us to sing ‘God Bless America.’ No, no, no, God damn America, that’s in the Bible for killing innocent people. God damn America for treating our citizens as less than human. God damn America for as long as she acts like she is God and she is supreme.” (2003) Although I really don’t have a problem with Rev. Wright “damning” America because he believes America treats citizens like crap, I am almost 100% certain that God does not damn America in the Bible.

“In the 21st century, white America got a wake-up call after 9/11/01. White America and the western world came to realize that people of color had not gone away, faded into the woodwork or just ‘disappeared’ as the Great White West kept on its merry way of ignoring black concerns.” Because only white people were affected by 9/11. All the African Americans were like, “Psh, saw that coming,” and none of them died or were surprised or even cared. Apparently.

“Racism is how this country was founded and how this country is still run!…We [in the U.S.] believe in white supremacy and black inferiority and believe it more than we believe in God.” Racism is not how this country was founded, although the Founding Fathers were totally racist. Big shock; so was everyone else. What defines racism, exactly? Do you think the slaves were racist against white people? Does it count as racism if you have a really, really, really good reasoon? I want to know.

“Barack knows what it means living in a country and a culture that is controlled by rich white people. Hillary would never know that. Hillary ain’t never been called a nigger. Hillary has never had a people defined as a non-person.” Frankly, I think there are a lot of people who think of Hillary as a “non-person.” Don’t you?

“Hillary is married to Bill, and Bill has been good to us. No he ain’t! Bill did us, just like he did Monica Lewinsky. He was riding dirty.” O.M.G. Did he really just say that? In a sermon? Seriously? And what on EARTH did Bill ever do that was so horrible to African Americans?!


What have we learned?

-Reverend Wright is a racist moron, who thinks that anyone who disagrees with him is a racist, because he is a RACIST who evidently can’t see any good in any white person. You know what? Not only have I never owned a slave, but I’ve never even wanted to. I’ve never called an African American a nasty name, and I don’t just lock my car door because I see some black kid in the parking lot (no, I lock my car door because I’m afraid someone is going to sneak into the backseat and KILL ME).
No, okay, let’s be fair: he probably doesn’t hate all white people. He probably has some white friends. But really, deep down, is he half-expecting those “friends” to betray him one day?

This preaching against the races has got to STOP. Race? Not a big issue. Anthropologically speaking, we humans have not been separated from each other long enough to have different “races.” Different skin tones, sure. But skin tones shouldn’t matter, and anyone who disagrees – black, white, Asian, WHATEVER – is a fool.

Published in: on November 7, 2008 at 12:41 pm  Leave a Comment