Would you rather?

Would you rather read about a man who had two wives or a woman who was a thief?
I know, I know, neither sounds interesting. That’s because I left out the details.

I can’t decide. So I’ll write about both – starting with the bigamist.

A 61-year-old Kansas resident was recently caught with two wives. This, of course, is not an entirely unheard of scandal. However, both wives lived in the same apartment complex.
Now, I’m not sure about you, but that is something new to me.
And the scam went on for three years!

Even more surprising, in my opinion, is that the man had married one woman 22 years prior to the incident. Now, you may say he was tired of his first wife but reluctant to divorce her – too afraid, too complicated, etc. – but another interesting thing is that the second woman is around the same age as the first. So he obviously doesn’t have a problem with his wife’s age – the first one – and that suggests there wasn’t a problem with sex drives, since one could assume that two 50-year-old women would have similar…urges.

Another thing: the man stole from the second wife. Yeah! He stole jewelry and money. So what’s up with that? Was he stealing from the second wife in order to support the first?

And how did he meet this “other woman,” anyway? Were they checking their mailboxes at the same time one sunny spring day? Or did he glimpse her strolling through the parking lot while he was relaxing on his porch? And how did this woman not realize that he was married? I guess the man, his wife, and his other wife didn’t have many friends in the apartment complex; otherwise, you would think rumors would spread.

Oh, wait. They did.

The second wife went to the first wife’s apartment to confront the man! Can you imagine being the first wife? Or the guy? I mean, what exactly do you do in that situation?
Well, I know what the women do: they call the police. As well they should.

Sources aren’t even certain if the second wife knew her husband had another wife when she went to confront him. Maybe she thought he had a mistress.

Oh, that’s great. Juggling two wives for three years, and they live in the same apartment complex. That guy could get away with an insanity plea.


In other news, what should you do when you get caught stealing from church?

Well, blame Satan, of course. I mean, the churchgoers are way more likely to buy that than your average citizen, right?
Actually, no. Because churchgoers like money just as much as anyone else.

Although, the fact that the stolen money amounted to $73,000 might have something to do with the lack of forgiveness. I could be wrong.

Anyway, she was an administrative assistant at the church who forged her pastor’s signature. And although you would normally find such going-ons in a Baptist church, this was actually in a Methodist church.
I know. I was shocked, too.

And no, the woman did not foolishly claim to be possessed. All she said was that Satan had a big part in her sins. That makes sense – I mean, what is she going to say? “God made me do it! He’s eeeeevil!” No. That wouldn’t work nearly as well.
The 62-year-old woman told detectives that she used to money to cover household expenses. Apparently she couldn’t bear the thought of losing her home. That brings to mind the question: if she had actually gone to the pastor for help, would he have helped her?


What have we learned?
Well, apparently old people are all about making mischief. Seriously, just look at my last few entries. They’re all about old people! I don’t do this kind of thing on purpose, you know.

Also, two wives don’t make a…a…no, that won’t work at all, will it? Oh, well.

Published in: on March 22, 2009 at 2:32 am  Comments (2)  
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Worst Job: 911 Operator

Sometimes I read stories that depress me. I can handle reading about murder, torture, suicides, and whatnot. It’s sad, but it’s life, and I’m used to it. But what I cannot handle is the blatant stupidity of people. It doesn’t take much to find stories of people doing atrociously dumb things, apparently without even realizing how idiotic they’re being.


Take, for instance, the people who call 911 (you know, the emergency line) for non-emergency calls.

One man called 911 because the Burger King he was at didn’t have any lemonade. Very sad. He’s 66 and located in – where else? – Florida.
Not many sordid details to that, just open & shut idiocy.

Police report from the epic Burger King/lemonade incident

But it’s not just the Average Joe who makes stupid 911 calls. No, some big-time Joe’s do the same thing. Take Joe McCain, for instance. Joe McCain is ALSO 66 years old, which I think is more than an amazing coincidence. He’s also, in my opinion, a bit of a jerk. There’s always one…
Anyway, Joe McCain called 911 over a traffic issue. Was there an accident that he was kindly reporting? Or a car going the wrong way in a one-way lane? Maybe a dangerous driver was weaving all over the road?
No, of course not. If that were the case, he wouldn’t be on this blog post, obviously.
Joe called 911 because he was unhappy that “one side at the damn drawbridge of 95 traffic is stopped for 15 minutes and yet traffic’s coming the other way across the drawbridge.”
The 911 operator responded credulity, “Sir, are you calling 911 to complain about traffic?”
Joe McCain realized his error and promptly apologized.
Or, he said some sort of expletive and hung up on the guy. One of those.

The operator called him back and was probably very much surprised when the call went to the voice mail of Joe McCain. But he still manages to act in a professional manner, leaving a message for Joe, explaining that 911 is not his own personal soapbox to complain about traffic. Joe calls him back and, apparently not realizing that he’s speaking with the same operator, actually tries to complain. So, naturally, the guys chews him out AGAIN.
Eventually Joe apologized, of course, seeing as how his brother was actively trying to get elected, and stupid family members don’t tend to help with that. The annoying thing is that, unlike Jean, I don’t believe Joe was ever charged with anything.
Here’s the video on blessed YouTube.

There are many, many more stupid 911 calls, but I don’t have the time, energy, or space to blog about them. And you don’t have the commitment to read about all of them. So instead, watch this amusing video.

Published in: on February 18, 2009 at 2:41 pm  Comments (2)  
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I Shot the Babysitter, but I did not Shoot the Bank Teller

I have a couple thoughts on my mind, which either means this is going to be a long post or I’m going to have two posts.
Or, let’s face it, I’ll just not write about both things. Obviously I’m lazy; if I wasn’t, then I would have updated this lovely blog while on Christmas break. Although I’m technically still on break for two more days, so I don’t feel too lazy.

Anyway, a few days ago I read about a 4-year-old who shot his babysitter with a shotgun after the babysitter (accidentally) stepped on the child’s foot.
Guess what? The child hasn’t been charged.
This story made me somewhat uneasy, not in the least because it reminded me of a recent Bones episode. Really, though, what troubled me was the fact that a child – no, a baby – could find a shotgun and operate it. Amazingly, the kid – who apparently shall remain unnamed – even told people that he was mad at Nathan (the babysitter) and was going to get a gun. People thought he meant a toy gun. Because how many 4-year-old kids do you know who would get a shotgun and shoot their 18-year-old babysitter?
My sister once locked a babysitter out of the house. That babysitter should feel blessed.
There are so many things wrong with the story. The kid’s anger problems – where did he learn to handle his problems with such violence? The presence of a shotgun in a home with a child present – I’m not sure, though, if the home was that of the child’s, but it probably was, since he knew where to locate the gun. The fact that guns are so easy, young children can operate them – would it really be a problem to make guns a bit harder to use? Sure, keep police guns and military guns easy to draw and shoot, but that’s about it.

Anyway, I was almost willing to let the story pass, as I really did think it was more of a fluke than anything. But today I read a story about a 6-year-old in Virginia who missed the bus. No, he didn’t shoot anyone, but he did take the family car and attempt to drive himself. Unsurprisingly, the boy crashed, but not before “made at least two 90-degree turns, passed several cars and ran off [a] rural two-lane road.” Miraculously, he survived with minor injuries, and was even able to attend school after receiving a check-up at a local hospital. Normally I would say that the kid was gypped, but let’s face it: he really wanted to be at school. After he crashed, he actually left the car and started walking. To school. That must be a really good school.
His parents were asleep, by the way, but they were charged with child endangerment. I have no idea why. Was it because he stole the keys and took their car? Or was it because the car was in the driveway? I think it’s a bit ridiculous.
Here’s something even more ridiculous: the child told police that he learned to drive from playing Grand Theft Auto and Monster Truck Jam. I don’t know anything about the latter, but I do know that no responsible parent would knowingly allow their child to play GTA.

What have we learned so far? Parents suck.

Oh, but it’s not over yet!

Have you ever wanted to rob a bank? I have. I wouldn’t, because I really don’t want to mess up my life, but sometimes I am pretty desperate for money. And sometimes I let my imagination run wild.

This genius, however, decided to allow his imagination freedom, and he actually did rob a bank.
Not a big deal. He was a 24-year-old, obviously low on cash, and he’s actually kind of a cutie.
Here’s the catch: he stood in line. Wearing a ski mask.
Here’s a bigger catch: he actually robbed the bank. Sure, he was arrested a few minutes later, following a brief car chase, but somehow, the bank security didn’t stop to think, “Maybe that character in the ski mask is trouble. Maybe we should ask him to remove his mask…” No, no, they actually stood by as the guy progressed in line to the bank teller, who had the brains to ask him to remove the mask. It was at this point that he pulled out a toy gun. I guess she couldn’t tell it was a toy (sometimes they really are realistic, and I’m assuming he didn’t use a water pistol), because she gave him some money.
Anyway, the happy ending is that he was caught, but still: he STOOD IN LINE. Wearing a SKI MASK. And NOBODY thought to stop him.

So, what else have we learned? If you’re at a bank next to a guy in a SKI MASK – leave. And maybe call the cops on your way out. And don’t go back to the bank, since the security is obviously terrible.

Published in: on January 10, 2009 at 12:10 am  Comments (3)  
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I can has deathburger?

I was determined to stay away from my blog until after I go back to school in mid-January. Because, you know, when you sit around the house all day for an entire month, the last thing you want to do is try to entertain yourself. I have literally been sleeping until 1 PM (not intentional, and not wanted). Tonight I went to bed at about 8:45, only to wake up at 11:45. Funny how that works. Since I have nothing better to do until I decide to pop Happy Gilmore into my brand-new Acer widescreen laptop (my old one broke, sadly), I’m going to write a post.

No, not about Christmas. I was filled with Christmas cheer this season, and I’m still listening to Christmas music, but you’ve read enough about how blessed we are. You must be over it.

Here’s an interesting lil’ news story I found nearly a month ago: a guy attacked his girlfriend. With a hamburger.

The guy and his girlfriend got into a fight, and she wanted to get out of the car, and he wouldn’t let her. For some reason, the window as open (clearly, she didn’t want to leave the car that badly), and so she threw his drink out of the window.
Now, I totally understand what happens next. If someone threw my Coca-Cola out of the car, I would be quite upset. Would I buy another, or at least make the perp buy me another? Oh, heck no. I would obviously take my delicious McDonald’s sandwich and smash it into the face of the soda-throwing hellraiser.

That’s what you would do, right?

Now, look, the guy really shouldn’t have done it. It was a bit of an overreaction. But should he really have been charged with assault? The guy was released on $1,000 bail for smearing a hamburger on his girlfriend’s face! Seriously, what I want to know is a) why he wouldn’t let her out of the car and b) why she couldn’t get out of the car. Because if you’re really determined, you will get out of that car. Particularly if the vehicle’s windows are open.

So, what have we learned? Torture’s fine, murderers can get released in a matter of years, but those damn boyfriends with their hamburgers?! They’re clearly a menace to our society. And they must be stopped.

Published in: on December 27, 2008 at 1:08 am  Leave a Comment  

This post is going to be ironic

It’s ironic because I can’t think of a catchy title for what I want to write about, and what I’m writing about is how to have a catchy slogan.

Well, what I’m really writing about are slogans that aren’t catchy. I don’t know how they could be better, but I do know why they’re terrible.

Like this one, from Smuckers:
With a name like Smuckers, it has to be good.
But here’s the thing: no, it doesn’t. This slogan is awful because it expects you to take what they say and believe it, with no questions asked. There’s no apparent reason why it’s good, it just “has” to be.

Does she or doesn’t she? from Clairol hair color
I had no idea that coloring your hair was akin to having sex with random strangers. At least, that’s the question it sounds like they’re answering to me.

You Too Can Have A Body Like Mine. Charles Atlas ad
Why does Mr. Atlas assume I want a body like his? And I would never date a guy that had a body like his.

Probably the best lager in the world. Carlsberg
Probably?! What kind of hook is that?

Put a Tiger in Your Tank. ESSO Gaseline
Actually, that one’s great, because my mind automatically translates it to something sexual. Unlike Clairol, however, I don’t think the ad was supposed to do that.

There’s a smile in every Hershey Bar.

The milk chocolate that melts in your mouth – not in your hand. M&Ms

I’m lovin’ it! McDonald’s
Annoying, because they’re trying too hard to be hip. “We love to see you smile” was awesome. I love to see me smile as well. But who is this mysterious person who is “lovin'” it? I understood the “we.” I don’t understand the “I.” Suddenly the ad speaks for the audience?

I’d rather die of thirst than drink from the cup of mediocrity. Stella Artois
Wow. Just wow.

Can you hear me now? Good!Verizon Wireless
I know I said I was going to explain why these don’t work (which isn’t even true, really, I explained just about nothing), but this is such a great slogan, I had to post it. Verizon Wireless wins.

I use AT&T/Cingular

Published in: on November 14, 2008 at 3:26 pm  Comments (3)  

Toys for Tots. Blind Tots.

Watching TV the other day and this is what I saw:

It’s Elmo’s Restaurant! Serve your friends & family some deliciously tasty treats, like hamburgers…and milk…probably no cookies, but okay. It’s like a poor man’s Diner Dash. Or I guess a young kid’s Diner Dash, but as far as I’m aware, that’s not a widely accepted phrase.

On Dr. Toy’s top 100 list, there’s this adorable game, which is a toy after my own heart.

Because I love crime books, crime games, etc.

There’s the very cool Create Your Own Books idea, which would have occupied me for hours at a time when I was a child.
Okay, it still would.

Can’t help but notice, though, when I’m watching TV, that there’s a distinct lack of toys targeted specifically for blind children.

Like this:

Clearly not made for a blind child.

No, in order to find some suitable toys for these kids, you have to search on-line, and then what you come up with is a bunch of “sensory” nonsense, which is pretty much stuff like a $20 “game” where you give a kid 20 different types of textiles and have them discern what kind they are.
Although I think that may be important, you could probably skip spending the $20 and give your child a tour around your house.

Dig slightly deeper, however, and you’ll find the Braille Bookstore, which has everything from playing cards to Connect Four to footballs (with bells inside). They also recommend Silly Putty (who doesn’t?), wooden puzzles, and textured bath toys that also make NOISE.

What I really don’t understand, however, is the complete lack of marketing towards parents of blind children. Do we expect them to
A) Not have the time to watch TV,
B) Not want to give their children fun toys,
C) Not have any money, or
D) Get up & do the research themselves

Hey, maybe it’s none of the above. Who knows?

So what have we learned today?

  • Silly Putty rocks
  • Jen doesn’t want to grow up & spends too much time thinking about the kinds of toys she would get now if she could
  • Parents of blind kids – and the blind kids themselves – are getting gypped


On another note, here’s an “Advertising FAIL” for your viewing pleasure:

Published in: on October 27, 2008 at 10:55 am  Comments (1)  

Don’t name your pets with people names, don’t name your kids with pet names, and we’ll all be okay.

Some people are so desperate about getting voter registration up that they even sent registration material to an Illinois goldfish.

A dead Illinois goldfish.

Okay, so it may not have been on purpose. The goldfish’s name was Princess. The paperwork probably came form the “Women’s Voices, Women Vote” project, because they evidence sent nearly 1 million mailings to Illinois households in August with a list that included some pets.
The reason for this confusion is understandable: some of the pets had names such as Polly or…Princess.
I actually know a girl named Princess. Not well, but she does exist. So it’s easy to see how the volunteers of the projects might become confused.

Actually, what I want to know is where they got this list from in the first place. In this case, the family of the goldfish had once provided the goldfish’s name on a form when they got a second phone line (as a joke?). But is there someone out there with a list of my past & present pets – Zipper, Boots, Molly, William, Furball? Will Molly and William ever be mailed voter registration materials? I hope so.

So, what have we learned? If you have a pet, give it a pet’s name. Zipper is a great name for a pet. Boots, too. Furball was an evil vicious cat, but clearly he was a cat.
Molly the cat and William the dog? Not so much.
Princess is a pet’s name, in my opinion, so that should be on the restricted list.

And all the world’s problems will be solved.

Published in: on October 23, 2008 at 9:23 am  Comments (1)  

People do stupid things…

…People have always done stupid things, and people will continue to do stupid things, because people…ARE STUPID.
A viewer of some news show I used to watch (I really wish I could remember the show, because I know I had a huge crush on the guy who hosted it) sent in those words of wisdom.

Today I was reminded of that ever-so-inspirational quote when I came across this gem of a news story.

A man SECRETLY named his child “Sarah McCain Palin.” Instead of Ava Grace, the name his wife had previously chosen.
He’ll be sleeping on the couch for some time, I’m sure. The shock hasn’t even fully set in with his wife, yet.
Can you change a baby’s name really easily? Particularly if it’s ridiculous? I hope so. I mean, maybe not Ava Grace, maybe something simple…even Sarah would work! A compromise of sorts.

When asked why he did something sooooo ridiculously stupid, the man replied that he wanted “to get the word out” about the McCain/Palin campaign. Because, you know, the presidential election that’s coming up? Yeah, apparently nobody knows about it. All that news coverage and all these blog posts? Getting nowhere, evidently.

Here’s the best part: “‘I took one for the cause,’ he said. ‘I can’t give a lot of financial support for the (McCain/Palin) campaign. I do have a sign up in my yard, but I can do very little.'”
Do you think he’s going to put his daughter in the yard with a nametag for all the world to see?

Published in: on October 20, 2008 at 10:14 am  Leave a Comment  
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