Would you rather?

Would you rather read about a man who had two wives or a woman who was a thief?
I know, I know, neither sounds interesting. That’s because I left out the details.

I can’t decide. So I’ll write about both – starting with the bigamist.

A 61-year-old Kansas resident was recently caught with two wives. This, of course, is not an entirely unheard of scandal. However, both wives lived in the same apartment complex.
Now, I’m not sure about you, but that is something new to me.
And the scam went on for three years!

Even more surprising, in my opinion, is that the man had married one woman 22 years prior to the incident. Now, you may say he was tired of his first wife but reluctant to divorce her – too afraid, too complicated, etc. – but another interesting thing is that the second woman is around the same age as the first. So he obviously doesn’t have a problem with his wife’s age – the first one – and that suggests there wasn’t a problem with sex drives, since one could assume that two 50-year-old women would have similar…urges.

Another thing: the man stole from the second wife. Yeah! He stole jewelry and money. So what’s up with that? Was he stealing from the second wife in order to support the first?

And how did he meet this “other woman,” anyway? Were they checking their mailboxes at the same time one sunny spring day? Or did he glimpse her strolling through the parking lot while he was relaxing on his porch? And how did this woman not realize that he was married? I guess the man, his wife, and his other wife didn’t have many friends in the apartment complex; otherwise, you would think rumors would spread.

Oh, wait. They did.

The second wife went to the first wife’s apartment to confront the man! Can you imagine being the first wife? Or the guy? I mean, what exactly do you do in that situation?
Well, I know what the women do: they call the police. As well they should.

Sources aren’t even certain if the second wife knew her husband had another wife when she went to confront him. Maybe she thought he had a mistress.

Oh, that’s great. Juggling two wives for three years, and they live in the same apartment complex. That guy could get away with an insanity plea.

~~~~~

In other news, what should you do when you get caught stealing from church?

Well, blame Satan, of course. I mean, the churchgoers are way more likely to buy that than your average citizen, right?
Actually, no. Because churchgoers like money just as much as anyone else.

Although, the fact that the stolen money amounted to $73,000 might have something to do with the lack of forgiveness. I could be wrong.

Anyway, she was an administrative assistant at the church who forged her pastor’s signature. And although you would normally find such going-ons in a Baptist church, this was actually in a Methodist church.
I know. I was shocked, too.

And no, the woman did not foolishly claim to be possessed. All she said was that Satan had a big part in her sins. That makes sense – I mean, what is she going to say? “God made me do it! He’s eeeeevil!” No. That wouldn’t work nearly as well.
The 62-year-old woman told detectives that she used to money to cover household expenses. Apparently she couldn’t bear the thought of losing her home. That brings to mind the question: if she had actually gone to the pastor for help, would he have helped her?

~~~~~

What have we learned?
Well, apparently old people are all about making mischief. Seriously, just look at my last few entries. They’re all about old people! I don’t do this kind of thing on purpose, you know.

Also, two wives don’t make a…a…no, that won’t work at all, will it? Oh, well.

Published in: on March 22, 2009 at 2:32 am  Comments (2)  
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Lamest pun ever: Two Wrights don’t make a Wrong

I mean, last time I checked, there weren’t two Reverend Wrights, so what does that even mean?

I didn’t write about Rev. Wright in the election because it wouldn’t have been right.
Okay, I honestly just wrote that sentence so I could use “write/Wright/right.” I’m sorry.

Anyway, I didn’t write about him because I was sidetracked. I’m going to now. Without talking about Obama. I’m trying to hold my tongue against Obama until he’s been in office for at least three months. I can’t remember when he officially becomes President, but I think inauguration is in January. So, until graduation at my college, I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

My spell check on WordPress keeps highlighting Obama. When do you think that’ll change?
Anyway:

Reverend Wright quotes, complete with extra fun comments!

We bombed Hiroshima, we bombed Nagasaki, and we nuked far more than the thousands in New York and the Pentagon, and we never batted an eye.” Wow, he was doing really good up until the point when he became a conspiracy theorist. I know our government screws up, but I have no patience for people who talk about how 9/11 was a conspiracy. The reason why is because a certain pirate told me not to.

“We have supported state terrorism against the Palestinians and black South Africans, and now we are indignant because the stuff we have done overseas is now brought right back to our own front yards. America’s chickens are coming home to roost.” To be honest, I have no idea what he’s talking about after the comma. Seriously. No, just kidding, he’s talking about 9/11 (the quote was made in 2001). See, America went and, yes, did some bad stuff to people. And so when some other people did bad stuff to us, it was our fault. Nevermind that bad stuff has been going on since the BEGINNING OF TIME, it’s all America’s fault.

“The government gives them the drugs, builds bigger prisons, passes a three-strike law and then wants us to sing ‘God Bless America.’ No, no, no, God damn America, that’s in the Bible for killing innocent people. God damn America for treating our citizens as less than human. God damn America for as long as she acts like she is God and she is supreme.” (2003) Although I really don’t have a problem with Rev. Wright “damning” America because he believes America treats citizens like crap, I am almost 100% certain that God does not damn America in the Bible.

“In the 21st century, white America got a wake-up call after 9/11/01. White America and the western world came to realize that people of color had not gone away, faded into the woodwork or just ‘disappeared’ as the Great White West kept on its merry way of ignoring black concerns.” Because only white people were affected by 9/11. All the African Americans were like, “Psh, saw that coming,” and none of them died or were surprised or even cared. Apparently.

“Racism is how this country was founded and how this country is still run!…We [in the U.S.] believe in white supremacy and black inferiority and believe it more than we believe in God.” Racism is not how this country was founded, although the Founding Fathers were totally racist. Big shock; so was everyone else. What defines racism, exactly? Do you think the slaves were racist against white people? Does it count as racism if you have a really, really, really good reasoon? I want to know.

“Barack knows what it means living in a country and a culture that is controlled by rich white people. Hillary would never know that. Hillary ain’t never been called a nigger. Hillary has never had a people defined as a non-person.” Frankly, I think there are a lot of people who think of Hillary as a “non-person.” Don’t you?

“Hillary is married to Bill, and Bill has been good to us. No he ain’t! Bill did us, just like he did Monica Lewinsky. He was riding dirty.” O.M.G. Did he really just say that? In a sermon? Seriously? And what on EARTH did Bill ever do that was so horrible to African Americans?!

~~~~~

What have we learned?

-Reverend Wright is a racist moron, who thinks that anyone who disagrees with him is a racist, because he is a RACIST who evidently can’t see any good in any white person. You know what? Not only have I never owned a slave, but I’ve never even wanted to. I’ve never called an African American a nasty name, and I don’t just lock my car door because I see some black kid in the parking lot (no, I lock my car door because I’m afraid someone is going to sneak into the backseat and KILL ME).
No, okay, let’s be fair: he probably doesn’t hate all white people. He probably has some white friends. But really, deep down, is he half-expecting those “friends” to betray him one day?

This preaching against the races has got to STOP. Race? Not a big issue. Anthropologically speaking, we humans have not been separated from each other long enough to have different “races.” Different skin tones, sure. But skin tones shouldn’t matter, and anyone who disagrees – black, white, Asian, WHATEVER – is a fool.

Published in: on November 7, 2008 at 12:41 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Trust and Obey – There is no Other Way

While some people are worried about Obama being the Antichrist, others have found the true deceiver:

Oprah.

Yep. She poses as a sweet, passionate, successful, charitable woman. But behind all those tear-jerking smiles lies a devil of a woman, biding her time until she can steal all our souls away.
In case you haven’t heard, I’m referring to the Oprah incident when she “denies Christ.”

Go to Google, type in “Oprah denies Christ” and a YouTube video on the subject will automatically pop up. Watch it. It’s interesting.
Oprah apparently had some New Age guest on her show, talking about – what else? – spirituality. Sometime during the after-show discussion comes a question from an audience member who demands to know, “What about Jesus?!” (I’ll get into why later.)
After some slightly heated discussion, Oprah says (rather unwisely, I’ll admit), “Jesus can’t possibly be the only Way!”

Oh! Oh, no! The Truth is revealed: Oprah is not a kindly doer of good at all, but clearly a bitter, demonic woman who has abandoned her Baptist background to pursue a more, shall we say, worldly path.

Before we get into the meat & potatoes of this post, let’s take a moment to review some of the more illuminating comments concerning Oprah’s blasphemy (grammatical errors and spelling mistakes are unchanged):

~This is probably the nicest one, so I’ll post it first: I won’t belittle or demean you or make fun of you Oprah, but I will pray that you in someway see the light, before it’s too late, and come to know that Jesus is your savior.
~Oprah is a moron. Can anyone tell me how this woman became as successful as she is???? It’s beyond me.
~In response to the above comment: She sold out, and the Devil doesn’t resist her. She doesn’t have to struggle.
~The OPRAH show…. Black Liberation Theology prep school. Whites only.
~She can (blank) off.
~(God) does not say only people that heard of me get to the Father. He does not say anything about those people. Oprah should read C.S.Lewis mere Christianity
~This is by far the most amusing: Obama is Oprah’s God.

All right, that’s enough of that. Now that we’ve covered the negative responses (I won’t bother with the positive ones; they were few and far between), let’s talk about what Oprah actually said, and let’s try to keep it in context, please.

To start with: an audience member, a woman, says that she believes there is a God, and also a power of darkness (Satan, if you will). The audience claps. Oprah asks the woman if you can choose to follow one or the other – “Absolutely,” says the woman. More applause.
After a few more seconds of talking, Oprah brings up a certain book. She says this: “One of the mistakes human beings make is that there is only one way to live…there are millions of ways to be a human being.”
The woman speaks up again, but I have no idea what she was trying to say, because Oprah interrupts with this – “There couldn’t possibly be one way!”
Is she talking about more than one way to follow God, or is she talking about being a human being? Both, I believe. But don’t start fretting quite yet.

Another woman starts arguing with an obnoxiously rude tone of voice, complete with aggravating hand gestures. She states, “There IS only one way!” and talk about people “buying into the lie” and accusing Oprah of intellectualizing the issue. I guess you could say she had a “righteous anger,” akin to Jesus when he wreaked havoc in the Temple, but personally, I felt she was just obnoxious.

This is Oprah’s rebuttal:

Oprah: Do you think, do you think that if you are somewhere on the planet…if you are somewhere on the planet and you never hear the name of Jesus, you never hear the name of Jesus, but yet you live with a loving heart, you lived as Jesus would have had you to live, you lived for the same purpose that Jesus came to the planet – to teach us all – but you are in some remote part of the earth, and you never hear the name of Jesus, you cannot get to heaven, you think? Does God care about your heart, or does God care about if you call his son Jesus?
Woman (stammering):
Well, Jesus cannot come back until that gospel is preached in the four corners of this earth. So, if you don’t figure it out… (trails off)
Oprah: Okay. Okay, I cannot get into a religious argument with you.
Woman: It’s not religion, Oprah!

And the clip cuts off.

Here’s how I see it. Oprah said a really stupid thing. She cut off an audience member and said, “There can’t possibly be only one way!” She insinuated that anyone who disagreed with her was an idiot.
You almost can’t blame the other woman in the audience for becoming upset. But she ultimately made herself look like a fool. In my mind, Oprah brings up a valid point, a question that no theologian can comfortably answer. What about those people who never hear Jesus’ name? If they live a basically moral life, if they look at the trees and the sunset and believe that some heavenly being created it all, if they do their best to be good…what kind of a God would punish that person?
Posed with that question, the woman goes off on a completely different subject. If you believe the Bible, Jesus won’t come back until the gospel reaches every place on earth (so there’s a good chance Jesus ain’t coming back, but that’s another topic for another day). But what does that have to do with all the people right now who don’t have the benefit of missionaries preaching the Word to them? Do those people just chill in limbo until Jesus comes back? Do they go to heaven? Do they go to hell? Or what about the people before Jesus? Where are they? And the people who lived during Jesus’ life?
I like to think that there is a chance for those people to go to heaven. I can’t prove it; nobody can. Oprah can’t. That woman in the audience can’t disprove it, though, that’s for sure.

Let’s face it: Oprah made a mistake. She should not have belittled anyone’s religious feelings – she has the right to, certainly, but at the very least it’s a bad PR move, and she’s had enough of those lately. But once the topic was open, she made some valid points that people are ignoring. Oprah didn’t say Buddhists go to heaven, or Muslims, or Satanists, or Taoists. The specific example she brought up didn’t concern other religions – it concerned what you believe in your heart.

On a different, yet similar note, one of my favorite bands is the Newsboys. They’ve got this excellent, catchy song called “Step up to the Microphone.” I love it. I play it in the shower and sing along. But part of the chorus never fails to upset me.
I said, hey man, there’s only one way. One God, one body, one faith alone, if you don’t know, then you need to be told.
Essentially saying, “Have you not heard? TOUGH LUCK.”

To find a similar discussion of this problematic question, I would advise you to read C.S. Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia, particularly The Last Battle, which is the final book in the series. [Minor spoiler] There is a situation in the book in which a man who essentially followed Satan his entire life goes to heaven at the end. He’s confused as to why, since he finally realizes he’s been following the wrong deity. Aslan explains that a good deed cannot truly be done in the name of Tash (the Devil). And a bad deed cannot truly be done in the name of Aslan (God). [End spoiler]
I like that philosophy. It’s sweet and merciful, like I believe God is.

So if you’re going to rant and rave against Oprah, rant and rave against C.S. Lewis, too. Or at the very least, rant and rave against her for the Sarah Palin controversy, not for something she never, ever said.

Published in: on September 10, 2008 at 9:08 pm  Comments (2)  
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